Today was a very bad day. And you'd think that it would be a glorious day. My best friend just got saved today. And yet all I can hear in my head is my own pathetic self. I dont even want to eat anymore. I dont think I am going to either. I am so depressed. And nothing I do helps. I have school and other things that I must do. Just smile and say "I'm fine." laugh it off. Make an excuse. "I'm tired." keep it bottled up.Never let them in. Keep your distance. I wish life had do overs. but it doesn't.And I am still me, FAT, FAT me.I hate being so depressed. But if im not depressed then what am I.I am not happy, am I sad?I feel like im not in control.And I want to hate Josh so bad, but I cant.I don't know why, but I really cant. He is a large part of my life and I need to deal with that. I want it all back. But I am always quick to tell the world that I'm not. I don't want to love him. Why should I have to? He is a jerk. And I don't want him. But that is my head talking. My heart is telling a different story. I love him at least my heart does. and i don't know why he has hurt me so bad. I should hate him and i hate Jordan too but do i really. i don't think i honestly do. i think i want to but i know that no matter how much hate i have for them they are still going to be together and be happy and why should i stop them they love each other, don they? ugh i don't know anymore. i mean she acts like she hates me too and i don't blame her i tried to take him from her but im done with that i just want to be alone i don't want to be with anyone i want to curl up in my bed and hide from the world. and i want to move to somewhere where no one knows me or has ever heard of me. but i cant do that. maybe this summer but right now i just have to smile and pretend like none of this is eating me alive. i feeling like im breaking slowly breaking into a million pieces. when did this happen. how did i let my life do this. why would i let this happen. i use to have a great life. where did it go. i want it back. im sure none of this matter to anyone but i am so sad anymore. i just want to be alive the way i used to be but i don't know how to fix it. going from therapist to therapist isn't working. i know i need help but i don't want to ask for it. i want to be by myself. but i can see it in Ashley eyes. she watching me die inside. and she is the only one who sees it. I don't know what to do anymore.